Wednesday, 12 October 2011

How to make a good impression at a party… Radiata Style

By Ryan Pearson
A Jellyfish in the Philippines. Ryan Pearson
Everyone loves jelly shots at a party, so why not become a jelly to impress a new group of people? Well, figuratively that is. Despite being very simple, rudimentary even, on the inside, and having a see-through personality, you too could make the right impressions at the next event you attend. Just take inspiration from those crazy party animals with radial symmetry and follow this simple guide.

I know you’re wondering what the hell this ‘Radiata’ I speak of is… “And what the hell is radial symmetry?” you might ask. Well, let me explain. Radiata is a class of marine organisms consisting of two Phylums: Ctenophora, and Cnidaria. These are basically what most people would call jellyfish and/or sea anemone’s. And you may notice that they are symmetrical along more than one axis (unlike us humans). Well that’s what radial symmetry means… essentially they’re symmetrical in a circle.

“Ok, Ok” I hear you say “But how the hell does that help me impress the pants off that hot blonde in the corner when I’m so boring on the inside?”

Well, here we go… the Radiata’s and boring old you have quite a few things in common, one being a very basic internal structure (you’re boring, they just have a basic internal structure). It’s so basic in fact, that the Cnidarians have only one opening that acts as both a mouth and an… uhm… anus (yes, the Ctenophores have both a mouth and an anus but that’s no where near as funny a thing to make you imitate). So, the first tip you can learn from the cnidarians is to talk a lot of shit. Go up to that blonde and just start blabbing away about life in the oceans, how scary sea-turtles are, or whatever the hell you want. Just don’t put too much emotion or thought into what comes out… they sure don’t. 

Which brings me to my next point, the Radiata’s need a lot of fluid, and have no brain… that’s right NONE! So the next tip is… get as drunk as you can and really lower the tone of the conversation (she is a blonde after all)! Sure, the Radiata’s use the fluid to support their hydrostatic skeleton, and your drunkenness may have the opposite effect, but at least it’ll allow you to meet them half-way – still with some structure to your body, but not enough that you’re all rigid and boring anymore. And while I say they don’t have a brain, they do have a ‘nerve net’ which helps them feel out prey and control their movement. So you should remember to have some feelings and not be an arse!

Sea-Anemone (Anthozoa). Ryan Pearson
Next you need to decide if you’re going to be sessile (stationary), or motile (on the move). Radiata’s exist as both, so this is up to you but your decision may be completely dependent on how drunk you get trying to follow the previous tip. If you’re cruising around the room, you’re in the stage of the life-cycle known as the medusa, if you’re stuck on the floor with your legs in the air you’re definitely in the polyp stage, just like an Anthozoan (sea-anemone).

Now, I probably should have told you this earlier, but it’s sort of a given – dress nice. Appearances are everything in this world. You can take one of two tactics… try to be invisible like the Cubozoans (box jellies), or go flamboyantly colourful like the Anthozoans. Then again, you could try a little of both like the Ctenophores – they’re mostly transparent with some amazing hypercolour antics when the spotlight is on them. This is due to light refraction on their eight rows of ciliary plates (also known as combs, or ctenes), but let’s not get bogged down in details. Let’s agree on this tactic so don’t make everyone gag when you walk into the room in a hot pink Borat style mankini, but don’t be so invisible that no one notices you. And when the spotlight is on you, it’s your time to shine!

At this point, I know what you’re thinking… “GOD DAMN I’m going to be popular. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this myself!” Well, you’re right… but inevitably someone is going to see through (excuse the pun) your charade and see you for who you really are… a boring, feeble, target… or are you? Hell no you’re not! You have Cnidocytes bitch! These are your secret weapon, pretty much like uber toxic pepper spray. If someone messes with a Cnidarian, the Cnidocytes on their tentacles stab the shit out of them and fill them with painful mountains of OUCH! So you should do the same, if someone see’s through your false sense of security and starts picking on you – smack them in the face with some pepper spray and float the hell out of there… wait, you can’t float can you? Oh well, you get the idea.

So now you have it, you know exactly how to make a great first impression at a party, and how to defend yourself if you happen to be found out. Just don’t make the mistake I did recently and go to a party actually AS a jellyfish… wearing an outfit that looks just like a big frilly dress doesn’t make you anywhere near as awesome as a real jelly. Notice all my dazzled new friends around me? Sponges don't count as real friends…
Me as a "Jellyfish" Photo by Nicolas Jamal Rakotopare

No comments: