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| A Jellyfish in the Philippines. Ryan Pearson |
I know you’re wondering what the hell this ‘Radiata’ I speak
of is… “And what the hell is radial symmetry?” you might ask. Well, let me
explain. Radiata is a class of marine organisms consisting of two Phylums:
Ctenophora, and Cnidaria. These are basically what most people would call
jellyfish and/or sea anemone’s. And you may notice that they are symmetrical
along more than one axis (unlike us humans). Well that’s what radial symmetry
means… essentially they’re symmetrical in a circle.
“Ok, Ok” I hear you say “But how the hell does that help me impress
the pants off that hot blonde in the corner when I’m so boring on the inside?”
Well, here we go… the Radiata’s and boring old you have quite a few things in common, one
being a very basic internal structure (you’re boring, they just have a basic
internal structure). It’s so basic in fact, that the Cnidarians have only one
opening that acts as both a mouth and an… uhm… anus (yes, the Ctenophores have
both a mouth and an anus but that’s no where near as funny a thing to make you imitate). So,
the first tip you can learn from the cnidarians is to talk a lot of shit. Go up
to that blonde and just start blabbing away about life in the oceans, how scary
sea-turtles are, or whatever the hell you want. Just don’t put too much emotion
or thought into what comes out… they sure don’t.
Which brings me to my next point, the Radiata’s need a lot
of fluid, and have no brain… that’s right NONE! So the next tip is… get as
drunk as you can and really lower the tone of the conversation (she is a blonde after all)! Sure, the Radiata’s use the
fluid to support their hydrostatic skeleton, and your drunkenness
may have the opposite effect, but at least it’ll allow you to meet them
half-way – still with some structure to your body, but not enough that you’re
all rigid and boring anymore. And while I say they don’t have a brain, they do
have a ‘nerve net’ which helps them feel out prey and control their movement. So you should remember to have some feelings and not be an
arse!
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| Sea-Anemone (Anthozoa). Ryan Pearson |
Next you need to decide if you’re going to be sessile
(stationary), or motile (on the move). Radiata’s exist as both, so this is up
to you but your decision may be completely dependent on how drunk you get trying to follow the
previous tip. If you’re cruising around the room, you’re in the stage of the life-cycle
known as the medusa, if you’re stuck on the floor with your legs in the air you’re
definitely in the polyp stage, just like an Anthozoan (sea-anemone).
Now, I probably should have told you this earlier, but it’s
sort of a given – dress nice. Appearances are everything in this world. You can
take one of two tactics… try to be invisible like the Cubozoans (box jellies),
or go flamboyantly colourful like the Anthozoans. Then again, you could try a
little of both like the Ctenophores – they’re mostly transparent with some
amazing hypercolour antics when the spotlight is on them. This is due to light
refraction on their eight rows of ciliary plates (also known as combs, or
ctenes), but let’s not get bogged down in details. Let’s agree on this tactic so don’t make everyone gag when you walk into the room in a hot pink Borat style
mankini, but don’t be so invisible that no one notices you. And when the
spotlight is on you, it’s your time to shine!
At this point, I know what you’re thinking… “GOD DAMN I’m
going to be popular. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this myself!” Well, you’re
right… but inevitably someone is going to see through (excuse the pun) your charade
and see you for who you really are… a boring, feeble, target… or are you? Hell
no you’re not! You have Cnidocytes bitch! These are your secret weapon, pretty
much like uber toxic pepper spray. If someone messes with a Cnidarian, the Cnidocytes
on their tentacles stab the shit out of them and fill them with painful
mountains of OUCH! So you should do the same, if someone see’s through your
false sense of security and starts picking on you – smack them in the face with
some pepper spray and float the hell out of there… wait, you can’t float can
you? Oh well, you get the idea.
So now you have it, you know exactly how to make a great
first impression at a party, and how to defend yourself if you happen to be
found out. Just don’t make the mistake I did recently and go to a party
actually AS a jellyfish… wearing an outfit that looks just like a big frilly dress
doesn’t make you anywhere near as awesome as a real jelly. Notice all my dazzled
new friends around me? Sponges don't count as real friends…
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| Me as a "Jellyfish" Photo by Nicolas Jamal Rakotopare |
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